Posts from former Discussion pages 

Court Order Says We Can't Discuss Custody
In Front of Child
(Should We Give Up or Continually Deal With PAS?)

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Post #  000005c0
Need help group
From: stepmom c
Remote Name: 152.163.100.201

Comments
I am a stepmom "every other weekend". My hubby and I have gone through the court and got a court order just this year. Even though we have the order the mom has felt her loss of control and still tries to control all situations her daughter is involved in. Daughter is 8. The latest is she was mad that daughter knew that we had gone to court so her lawyer sent us something to be added to order saying we can't discuss custody. (long story because mother is the one who brings custody order into things in front of daughter so she's digging her own hole!) We sent a two page letter in return which our lawyer turned into 5 pages of requests to be added in to order. We've been waiting 2 weeks to hear back from her lawyer and NOTHING!! The anticipation is killing me! The mother had all classic symptoms of PAS... as of today father still has never seen his daughter on her real birthday or christmas eve. THis was the first year he ever had vacation. Even after the court order mom told us to "go to the school" to get information instead of giving it to us. We went to school who did not give it to us...but instead mom sent it to our lawyer. NOw school is avoiding us.. isn't that against the law since father has shared custody??? Now we are trying to save for a house and want to start a family of our own. I've never been married until now. I love my stepdaughter but do want children of my own. I'm 31 so still young but time is ticking. Sooooo should we pursue the stuff with stepdaughter or just forget about it and be aggravated with PAS all the time and just start our own family? I just can't handle her treating the daughter like she's a nobody. She degrades the daughter and my husband all the time which is hard for me to handle. We are hoping that daughter will see her mother's ways when she is older... or will she be brainwashed still? Mother will do ANYTHING to make us look bad to daughter. Want to get into order that no one can degrade other parent in front of child and things like that. (We currently have shared custody which our lawyer wants to changed to joint custody.. whats the difference?). So I feel like I just need others who have been through all this to talk to. Any good email support groups? HELP...     (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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REPLIES:

Post # 000005c3
Re: Need help group
From: 
Remote Name: 68.114.121.226

Comments
Always take the high road. Do not ever put the mother down or bring up court stuff. Let your home be the sanctuary she can come to and just be a kid. Remember that you are not her mom. If you threaten to try and replace her mom, I think she will pull back. As far as starting your own family, we know of an older couple. The father has been alienated from the children since they were young. His daughter, now getting married expects him to pay for her wedding, yet her mother will be walking her down the isle. When they told us thier story, what stuck out to me was that the children were coming over until they had another child. I know that you want your own child. Just relize that there are much worse cases of PAS than you have described. Your husband does have his child coming to his home. He does get to share in her life. Could you carry the burden of him losing this child forever? My husband very rarely see's his children (school functions, maybe for a smoothy once a month)I feel a great deal of responsability for the loss of his very close relationships with them. I cannot describe the tears and pain this has caused us. If you deside you must have your baby now, I would find a very good child psychologist to help you with this. Children usually don't like to be replaced. If her parents were married she would be losing her place as the baby. At her age that would be q huge change. She will have to come to grips with the new baby being with her daddy all the time. Remember she is the victim. He needs her. Try to take yourself out of the picture. You still have time. We are all in very difficult places. The only way I have survived this, is a very good bible church with wonderful people and a much better relationship with God. I don't know if you believe, but if you do. Pray, ask Him. Good luck to you.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006 )

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Post # 000005c5
Re: Need help group
From: "evilstepmom"
Remote Name: 65.131.33.221

Comments
I am married to a wonderful man and although things are not always perfect we try to manage them the best we can. We have been together for over 3 years now and still have problems with his ex. She has totaly alienated his 2 girls (17 & 14) and is now working on the boys (10 & 7). We see the boys as much as we can which is supposed to be everyother weekend and two days a week, but they always call at the time they are supposed to be here and say they don't want to come over. Sometime my husband says ok because they want to play with their friends but when he says no get over here the ex brings them then calls while sitting in front of the house and says they don't want to come in. My husband has gone out a few times and literally dragged the kids out of her van but most of the time he tells her send them in and she just drives off with the kids in the car. She refused to allow the boys to go hunting with the family this year which would have been the 5th year for one of the kids, but took one of our holidays away because it was a family event the did every year. She is constantly asking the boys if they like their dad and will tell them that they don't have to like him. We recently had a baby and since then things have gotten worse. Not with the kids reaction to the baby because the boys love her and they love to play with her. The kids are at the point where they are afraid to talk to me. When we have them on a weekend it takes a day for them to adjust to the life here, we never say negative things about the ex or other kids but they have to feel confortable to begin to relax. By the day we take them home they are having fun and talking non-stop, but on the way home they have to get in the mode again and will stop talking to me about a mile from their house. They won't even say good bye to me because they might get in trouble. My husband has not even been allowed to talk to his daughters for a year now. They have been in the hospital for a day and the ex will not call until they are being dismissed and then tell him they don't want him to come up there. My advise to you is don't let anyone tell you not to have a baby because it may hurt the kids. The decision to have another chils should be between you and your husband. Even our counselor told us not to hold off just because of the ex's manipulation of the kids. We just constantly remind them how much they are loved and we spend time with them. If your situation is anything like ours, the alienation is going to continue regardless of having another child or not. This is her way of making my husband pay for moving on with his life. The thing Idon't understand is if the ex finally moves on with their life shouldn't this begin to slow down a little? Ours hasn't yet and she is practicly remarried.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post #  000005ca
Re: Need help group
From: need help again! 
Remote Name: 152.163.101.10

Comments
Thanks for your advice everyone. "Evil stepmom" - seems you are in a different situation. See my hubby's ex cheated on him and she left him for another man during their marriage. This man is now my stepdaughters "Daddy" and has been since she was 6 months old. While my husband who helped make the child is "his name" and "Daddy".. not "Daddy." it is so messed up. The child has been without her real dad for so long, so us having children should not be a jealousy problem with the child as she never had my hubby as her dad! (that she remembers). See what the problem is.... her mom is crazy!! She makes her think we are nobody's and degrades the father in front of the child. She has been fighting to get my hubby out of the childs life for 8 years now and ALWAYS talks bad about him or makes him look bad in front of the child. We could fight in the courts to get his daughter or at least get this mess kind of straightened out but it will cost us alot of cash that we could use for a house and to start our own family. Trust me... If I knew a year ago it would cost me $10,000 for my husband just to get his STANDARD RIGHTS as a father I would have gone for full custody and gotten a psychologist into the house and evaluate his crazy ex and the child (who I LOVE LOVE LOVE... and would Love to have with me.) the whole situation seriously breaks my heart..... I just want someone else in the same situation I can talk to who has a crazy ex wife trying to get rid of the dad. Psycholgist might help but I really can't afford it with all the lawyer costs and trying to save for a house. Where I live they want $40,000 down to purchase a home and we only have a few thousand so life really sucks. We'll be damn lucky if we can even ever get a house or have kids without all of this bs with his ex. I just wish I would have married someone without kids sometimes. I love him and his daughter but I will never have a life of my own with my own family if this continues because we can't afford it. It's total bs since we love each other which REALLY SUCKS!! I'm so confused and ready to give up and get divorced.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post #  000005fa
Re: Need help group
From: melissa_gammon2001@yahoo.com
Remote Name: 207.69.137.134

Comments
I know how you feel im going through the same stuff if you would like some one to chat with e-mail me   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 00000664
Re: Need help group
From: alg2b
Remote Name: 24.131.159.91

Comments
I am in the same situation. I am the soon to be step mom. And my poor boyfriend is going throught the ringer with his ex. She is not allowing him to have his visitations. But he refuses to give in to her. She will call him up and demand $300.00 at time of pick up, and if he doesn't then he can't have the kids. But he pays her $ 1200.00 a month faithfully for court ordered child support. But when he refuses to give her the money. She yells at him on the phone in front of his kids and says what an awful father he is. When my boyfriend contacts the local and state police about it they won't help him. They tell him to take it to court. So we then file another contempt charge against her and the court always find for the mother. and she gets a slap on the wrist and away she goes. And my poor boyfriend goes another weekend without his kids. If the birth mother honestly needed the money for the kids he would give it to her. But she is so bad with money, plus she doesn't pay rent where she lives. And he knows the money goes to her hobby. Sheep!! When does the man win. When does the birth mother get in trouble for black mail. And I sit and try to support but yet I am getting angry too....Is there a support group out there for us?   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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ALSO...

Post #  
0000045f
child visitation
From: gilbert hensgen
Remote Name: 24.163.62.55

Comments
how do dads cope with not seeing enough of their child. i keep him the 2 days-wed and fri that she works but it just breaks my heart to be without him on other days.sometimes she will give me more time but she will just as quickly pull the carrot and say no.  My son lowell is 3 yrs old   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

 

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