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Help - ex-wife is an Obsessed Alienator

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Original
Post # 000000d7
Help - ex-wife is an Obsessed Alienator
From: JB
Date: 8/7/01
Time: 11:06:30 AM
Remote Name: 209.43.17.62

Comments
Please Help me.... My sons ,10 and 13, won't even look at me... their mother (my ex-wife) has convinced them that I am a terrible person... an SOB, etc.. etc.. She will not allow them to visit my family... MY SONS NEED HELP!!! AND I NEED DIRECTION HOW TO HELP THEM!!!!. I have filed for custody...we are undergoing custody evaluations.... she took me to court for an Emergency visitation modification... and now I only have supervised visitation.. I have not seen them for 8 weeks!!!!!! I have been nothing less than a good father.. She is vindictive, and cannot see how harmful this is to our sons... Please .... someone respond.... JB   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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REPLIES:

Post # 000000f6
Re: Help - ex-wife is an Obsessed Alienator
From: JM
Date: 9/13/01
Time: 12:17:06 AM
Remote Name: 24.162.58.4

Comments
I can only offer condolences as i am in the same boat.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006 )

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Post # 000000da
Re: Help - ex-wife is an Obsessed Alienator
From:
Date: 8/7/01
Time: 9:59:22 PM
Remote Name: 4.54.70.38

Comments
we have been going through this struggle for four years. The father didn't see his boys for SIX months while the CP made accusations. He ended up with supervised visitation for awhile, then mediated visits. After THREE years, he now has mandated visitation and she still makes accusations. Good luck, it is a long hard battle and we are ready to give it up.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000000e1
Re: Help - ex-wife is an Obsessed Alienator
From:
Date: 8/14/01
Time: 1:17:50 AM
Remote Name: 4.60.69.159

Comments
Hi JB,
I'm going into my sixth year of the same story. After I'd run the full gamut (2 sets of false abuse allegations, 2 trials, and not seeing my daughter for almost one year) the ex finally pulled the ultimate stunt, took my little girl, and fled the country to Costa Rica. I'm still slugging it out, and have come to peace with the fact that this will never be over.

The first thing that you need to do is to calm down (I know it's easier said than done). You won't do your boys or yourself any good if you're flustered.

The second, and most important thing that you need to do is to make up your mind that you are not going to give up. It will get much harder, and much uglier before you'll see anything approaching an improvement in the situation.
Another important step is to simply accept what is happening, and deal with it. Don't waste your time trying to figure out why this is happening, as you will never come up with an explanation that makes any sense. You will never understand it, because you are probably not capable of the thinking process that your ex is. You will hear a lot of rationalizations...mostly from shrinks. It's always a mental illness or a severe character flaw. As we sit here right in the middle of the age of political correctness, which does not allow the assignment of responsibility for wrongdoing, it will always be explained away. In some cases, mental defect may be true, but nobody is willing to admit that the bad in people simply comes out, and expresses itself as evil. While this may or may not be the case, you won't find anyone in a position of authority that's willing to admit it.

Put together about $20,000 as quickly as you can and hire the meanest, most dedicated family law attorney that you can find...currently, I have a small army of them; I am not a wealthy guy either. Then, get to work putting together another $20,000. Like it or not, a great attorney is the only way to protect yourself and your children from an alienating parent. I'm into my ordeal in excess of six figures.

Do not, under any circumstances, say anything negative about the boys' mother to them...no matter how tempting. Kids are smarter than people give them credit for, and in the end, how you conduct yourself will speak volumes about what has really happened.

Avoid the Gung-Ho fathers' rights groups. In many cases, they're just as nuts as the feminists.

I understand, all too well the kind of pain you're going through. The sickest thing about this is that the alienating parent doesn't think for a fleeting moment about how this will affect their own children. It's all about them, and control...nothing else. Sometimes, seemingly rational people are not at all what they appear to be; a properly motivated alienating parent (usually a mom, but in some cases dads) are perfectly comfortable with the utter and complete destruction and ruination of the other parent for no apparent reason (the key word there being apparent). Mine wanted me in jail. Why? I don't know.

Also...and this is really important...do not, under any circumstances, underestimate your ex. Alienating parents rarely, if ever graduate to the level of being an obsessed alienator without a lot of really good backing. I've yet to find anything out about fathers' alienation support groups, but the moms are quite another story. While the Internet has opened up entirely new worlds of good things, there are just about as many bad things. You won't find any web sites that advocate alienation, but private chat groups & message boards have helped to establish networks of alienating moms that would leave the FBI green with envy. They are very well organized, and they're in every town, and in every state...not as common as McDonalds, but certainly as common as an Elks Lodge. They have meetings, barbecues...the whole rap. Some of them have organized financial backing; some even have their own attorneys and shrinks. Again, do not underestimate your ex, or you may really get blind-sided.
You will find that there is very little that you'll have control over. Again, it's going to get much worse before it gets any better. The one thing that you do have control over is how badly you come out of the gate. Most of the damage control that you have a say in depends upon how aggressive you are at the beginning. You must be proactive, or you'll be at her mercy.

Occupy yourself with other things. You must maintain a mental and an emotional balance, or you'll simply go crackers. Research, and do what you can to fight for an hour or two a day, and then stop. If a situation is in the hands of your attorney, leave it there. Pestering your lawyer will only result in reduced quality of representation and more legal bills...everything that they say about attorneys having time meters on their phones...it's true. Try to use work as a temporary escape, and try your best not to feel guilty if you find yourself enjoying yourself doing something other than fighting your ex over custody. Plan some hunting trips this fall...or whatever type of recreation that you enjoy. By the same token, if you feel like crying like a baby, do it. Don't hold it back.
One positive thing is that your boys are older than 2, 3, or 4 years old. You've hopefully had ample opportunity to establish a strong bond with your kids; regardless of what the ex tells them, that's hard to break. Also, with older children, it's difficult for the ex to try to use the abuse excuse, which is very ugly, and very common. Also, keep in mind that if your boys are actively alienating you, it's most like being done to please their mother, and to keep her off their backs about the whole issue.

By default, I'm very well connected to the legitimate family law community, and would be more than happy to help you find the kind of attorney that you'll need. Let me know, and I'll get you a referral.

Also, I'd be happy to communicate with you backline, if it'd help you to talk to someone that truly understands what you're going through. You may e-mail me directly - scott.critchfield@verizon.net

I hope this information is helpful. As I said, I've been there...and I'm not finished. I doubt that I ever will be.
Hang in there.
Best Regards,
Scott Critchfield
Bellevue, WA
(Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000000e4
Re: Help - ex-wife is an Obsessed Alienator
From: lacinda
Date: 8/20/01
Time: 1:25:27 AM
Remote Name: 199.2.104.152

Comments
You have made some strong points about alienation. We have spent over $40,000 just to get the mandated visitation for my husband and his sons. The kids are constantly put in the middle and we are ready to give up. It is to the point that the CP is not going to back down and doesn't care whether the kids are hurt or not. The referee has resigned because of the abusive behavior of the CP, and is still NOT recommending the father get custody. Why? Because the kids (ages 9 and 14) are so enmeshed with the behavior of their mother that she feels they cannot survive without her. My heart breaks for my husband and the kids.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Related single posting with no replies...

Original
Post # 0000007f
Ex-wife trouble
From: concerned
Date: 2/4/01
Time: 3:23:21 AM
Remote Name: 64.12.101.171

Comments
Over the past 4 years, I can see that this is happening to us. Now, there are no phone calls coming back after leaving messages for his daughter. Are there any therapists in Utah, or attorneys that know about this syndrome that can help? Please...   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

 

 

 

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