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Obsessed Alienation by Father & Stepmother

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Post # 00000008
RE: Obsessed Alienation by Father & Stepmother
From: [removed]
Date: 4/15/00
Time: 4:05:52 PM
Remote Name: 63.28.209.136

Comments
I,m a single mother involved in a very nasty custody battle for my son. The battle has been on going for almost 3 years now. My ex was very hurt by the divorce and has spent most of his time with his new wife tring to prove me an unfit mother. There has been alot of splitting and serve Alienation involved. My ex and his wife fit the characteristics of obsessed alienators to the T. The article by Douglas Darnall {Three Types of Parental Alienators} describes them exactly. All 11 characteristics apply. My son also shows all the signs of having Syp. of Parental Alienation Syndrome with exception of # 7. { not physical but mental abuse} Both father and stepmother are educated and are very aware of how splitting and alienating works. Until I sought help I was unaware of what was going on. I knew that I was always on the defendsive side with school, daycare, and provider of extracurricular activities. I started having problems with my son and his behavoir. I know my son better then anyone and there is a big change in him. Hes not the same child he once was and its getting harder to deal with. I feel very helpless. I don't know how to help him. He seems so angry and very sad sometimes. Its the most heartbreaking thing to see in your child. It's very diffucult for me to handle I can't even imagine what my son must be feeling. His father and stepmother have so much control over him that its getting harder to bring him back to himself when I get him back from them.{ custody every other week} . It,s gotten even worse since I got involved in a relationship with a man that has resently divorce. He is a very dedicated father to his own children which took his divorce hard and very close to mine. When my ex could not threaten or scare me into giving up, he then went after my boyfriends ex wife and children. As a result his children will not have anything to do with him. They are very angry and blame me. His children are all of age with exceptions of a 16 year old that took the divorce harder then anyone. Before my ex and his wife interfered my boyfriend and his son were well on there way to rebuilding there relationship. But do to the bitterness of the exwife and my ex that relatioship has all but been distored. And now we have not only children from another marrage but an ex wife as well involved in my custody case. My ex,s new wife is a school counselor and has been counseling both the ex wife and all the children. This has intensified the alienation and manipulation of all the children. Proving this to the courts is almost impossible because of the way the laws are written. With my case where there is a home study being done. The evedience that has been and continue to be gathered will not necessary go infront of a judge. From my understand the ruling of the home study will play a very large part in how the judge will rule. And the home studies tend to favor the the parent that can present themself the best. Considering this, how do you stop people like this from abusing our children? And how do I help my child through all this? You state that reversing parental alienation is almost impossible . I know with my case that if my ex wins this custody battle the alienating will become more intensified. The thought of not having my son with me with exceptions of term set forth by a court is heartbreaking enough. But believing that the munipulation and alienation will continue to go on is the most painful, and the most helpless feeling of all.. This issue concernce me more then the costody terms we will have when this is done. I don't know how to help my son? What do I do? Please respond with any suggestions that may help. Very Concerned Mother.
(Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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REPLIES:

Post # 0000000b
RE: Obsessed Alienation by Father & Stepmother
From: [removed]
Date: 4/19/00
Time: 12:08:21 PM
Remote Name: 63.39.113.230

Comments
YES..
I've tried eveything I can. We went to mediation before he got married and thats when we went to every other week. We tried it again afew months ago but I had to get my lawyer to have a judge order it before he would go. It lasted about 30 minutes and he got up and walked out. You can not make someone go to mediation if they don't want to. My ex's additude towards mediation is it's a waste of his time because hes right. The step mother has always love my ex and wishes my son was hers, not mine. She told me face to face that when shes done with me she will not only my ex and everything I left after 10years of marriage, but both my children to. This woman has a history of doing the same thing with her ex and their children. I have all the court papers from there dicorce that holds her in contempt for alienating her own children from their father. I also have letters, tapes of harrassing phone calls and note of everything thats happened over the years as evidence. But because of the homestudy none of that will be seen or heard by a judge. If I could get him to go to mediation for the purpose of helping our son we may get some were. But his wife will not allow that to happen. The only hope I have of stopping whats happening to my son is that the home study will show the truth about whats really going on. However with the way the homestudies are done it all comes down to who can present themselfs the best. The laws are written to protect people like this rather then our children. Any other suggestions? Concerned Mother  (Last changed: February 26, 2006 )

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Post # 00000014
RE: Obsessed Alienation by Father & Stepmother
From: [removed]
Date: 5/7/00
Time: 10:12:16 PM
Remote Name: 202.128.10.189

Comments
Hi! Oh how I sympathize with you. I am a single mother of an eleven year old boy. His father and I lived together for several years before we split up when my son was a little over 2 years. We went to court and his father was awarded custody and I was awarded visitation. I chose to move away and take my visitation for the whole summer instead of every other weekend. I found that after awhile the constant interaction of obsessed alienators was way too much. Just when my son would start to unwind it was time to go back to his fathers. We also tried mediation. His father also did not beleive we needed mediation because he was "right" During the school year I try to write and keep the lines of communication with my son open. The amount of hatred that comes out in returned letters and on the phone overwhelmes me. But I just continue to write back how important I feel our visits are and that I truely care about him and to be positive and things will work out. His father continues to find ways to make my visitations difficult always coming up with new ways to try to get me to drop my visitation. I will not. When I go to pick my son up from his house it is ugly. My son fights me kicking and screaming that I am taking him from his family. His father and stepmother just look on with disgust that I am taking their son away. Once he is with me and we go back to my parents house he does calm down after a bit and I can see the confusion, hate and emptiness emitting from him. It is very sad. My parents are also alienated from him so we are all in one house tring to work things out for about a week before my son and I both fly to my home. During the summer I try to work through his anger and frustration by listening to him, setting up a consistent routine, I take off work often to just be with him so that he can see what I am "really" like. Just being around him for a full 2 months with no going back and forth from house to house is more peacful than before. He does get very homesick to which I encourage him to talk about his family (he has a younger brother now) I encourage him to write, email say prayers about his family and to call once a week. I try never to say a negative word or speak negatively about his father or family. My visitation is coming up soon and I will start my summer routine over again. As the years pass he is starting to form his own thoughts and opinions on me, my life, and the people that are important to me. This is even more upsetting for him, he can see what his Father is saying is at the very least untrue. This I can tell hurts him tremendously. He is acting up in school and is very depressed. All I feel I can really do now is to work things out with my son and try to make it right or at least work right in his mind. It is no use to try to armwrestle his father into seeing how it hurts our son to degrade his mother because you can't argue or get anyone to see what they are doing they have to be able to see it for themselves. That's just a little sum of it. The only advice I think I can give you is to remember that these people that are alienating all the children in your life are confused, scared and very insecure people. Stand for what you believe is right for your kids. Visitation or time with them is essential and teach your kids that there are many ways you can view a situation and it's up to you to make the best of the one your in and to try to make good choices so your in a better situation next time. Their father and you just don't see eye to eye in certain areas. Just be there to let them talk to you. If you are not judgemental towards them or their father they will feel better and open up. One of the most beautiful moments I had with my son happened last year when he was sitting at the table putting together a lego set and I was starting something for dinner it was quiet and he just said out of the blue, "I don't know why I'm supposed to hate you so much." It was beautiful and sad at the same time. He was telling me that he actually did love me but in the same breath he was aware that his father and step mother were "lying" (for lack of a better term) to him about me. Spend time with your kids and keep a positive attitude really believe that what you are doing is positive and don't ever sweat the small stuff. Good luck and stay positive. There's nothing you can do about anothers behavior only your own.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 00000052
RE: Obsessed Alienation by Father & Stepmother
From: [removed]
Date: 9/30/00
Time: 5:02:47 PM
Remote Name: 12.33.67.4

Comments
i am a mom who hasn't seen her 2 younger children in 3 years. Don't back down, keep on going even when you feel it is a lost cause. Your son needs counseling by a very well qualified chuild pshychologist who knows and understands PAS, not one who is just familiar with it. I wish you all the luck in the world. As women we don't have access to many mothers rights groups, but we can help support each other. Good Luck & God Bless.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

 

 

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