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Alienation by Mother; Boy calls parent a Horrible Father

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Original Post #  000004df
My boyfriend's son calls him a horrible father
From: Andi
Remote Name: 204.95.243.77


Comments
My boyfriend is trying his hardest to maintain a close and personal relationship with his ten year old son. His son's mother has custody and does just about anything to turn anyone she knows against my boyfriend. He has only had visitation priveledges since they divorced, seeing his son just every other weekend with one extra weekend a month during the summer for the past ten years. Just recently, when my boyfriend discussed with his son his feelings about us getting married and maybe having a child together (I also have a 17 month old son - my son and my boyfriend's son get along wonderfully), he said he was okay with it. He went home to his mother's that night (we have had SEVERAL issues with her, causing more trouble than what it's worth to get my boyfriend arrested, cut off of visitation, you name it-and she has been held in contempt 3 times, jumped on an officer's back, told to "shut up" by a judge, had a restraining order put against her from an elementary school when she jumped across a desk and attacked the principal...). Now, my boyfriend's son is telling his father on the phone this past Friday he's afraid of him, that he's a horrible father, that he cheated on his mother (which he never did); that he met his mother in a bar (which didn't happen and doesn't matter, either); that he never has fun when he's over; that he never gets any time with his father (which this might be some of an issue being as my son and I are in his life as well, he's used to having his dad all to himself); that we moved my son's playpen into another room from the one we've been in so we can have more sex (how would a ten year old even understand what sex is?); that he's afraid my boyfriend will hit him because once (a long time ago in a very different story) he broke a guy's jaw and he's afraid my boyfriend will do the same to him; that he is a horrible father; etc. My boyfriend also thinks all of this was being taped because he kept hearing a clicking noise. His son also turned away from the phone every so often to talk to his mother. We are at a loss. She could be held in contempt now because last weekend was my boyfriend's weekend with his son and his ex-wife said he wasn't getting him, that they were going to be out of town without any cell phones. He went, anyway, to pick him up, but there still wasn't anyone home. He and I are both at a loss. Please help if you have any ideas, suggestions, etc. I know I can be biased in this situation, but I wouldn't be with this man if I didn't believe he was a good father.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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REPLIES:

Post # 000004e1
Re: My boyfriend's son calls him a horrible father
From: Lisa
Remote Name: 24.208.147.181

Comments
First, You need to document everything. When she doesn't allow visitation you need to call the police and file a report. You need to show the officer your court ordered visitation schedule to prove your visitation is being withheld so that he can document this in his report. Otherwise it's just your word against hers. Start keeping a record of all the times you call and are denied. (Do not call her house excessively, it can be used against you) Call and leave a message if they are not home, if you call about twice a week without any return calls it will work in your favor. Make sure to keep a calender of events. Calls denied, visitation denied, any calls of your boyfriends son can be recorded by him. (To show the nature of it not sounding like a childs call and more like a repeat of something the mother would say. Children don't usually talk about sexual issues, it is embarrasing to them.) It is not the childs fault they repeat things they are told to say. You need to get a guardium ad lidem to help with this process,(they are a court appointed lawyer for the child) maybe ask the courts to appoint a counselor to help resolve issues between the father and the son. Don't talk about the mother, unless you need to get the story straight. The child needs to know that some things said are lies. I read somewhere that not saying anything can be just as damaging as letting it go. So don't be afraid to tell him the truth about things without going out of your way to tear the mother apart. I know your situation is difficult and I hope the best for you. But I also know that it is the worst thing to have to go through. I have been married to my husband going on ten years, his son is 12. My husband fought and won custody 5 years ago but has given him back (just last week) to stop the constant police interventions and court hearings, there is only so much you can put up with. If this woman is as deranged as his ex (and it seems they have a lot of the same characteristics, being physical and going out of her way to be a pain in the ass) she may have a personality disorder (as my husbands ex was diagnosed with) and you might ask the courts to order a psychological exam. Just know getting custody does not usually stop this constant harrassment in fact it will probably step it up a notch. I hope this helps.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006 )

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Post #  000004e2
Re: My boyfriend's son calls him a horrible father
From: ValGal
Remote Name: 67.171.149.190

Comments
Sound to me like the boy is being "coached" to mirror his mother's hostile feelings. I know how frustrating it must be to constantly be on the defensive when you know darned well you are good parents. I think you should get the boy some books on divorced families, they can be pretty good about explaining to kids how they can get stuck in the middle of things. You can hope that he will begin to realize that's what's happening to him. Sometimes "naming the game" can help put a stop to it. And hopefully by just continuing to show him love and remind him of the good times he has with his dad might sink it eventually. There are also some good movies recommended on the Divorce Poison website (Dr. Richard Warshak) that you can watch together as a family that can be a good launch for conversation.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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A related post from a different thread (other posts in this thread were lost):

Post #  00000564
grandparents and father being alienated
From: granma
Remote Name: 64.12.116.208

Comments
my son lost primary custody of his two children, to a mother who didn't even change diapers. now that she lives with her elderly parents (they are 62 and 72) the judge said that she is the better parent. my son was there changing diapers and cleaning vomit when she was off with "friends".how can she be the better parent when she doesn't even care enough to stay home. now she is alienating them by not allowing themm to take their things home with them, not even christmas gifts! we need help,any advice welcome   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

 

 

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